December 17, 2011
How to Scare a Gringa: On a night filled with howling winds and power outages, arrive at the back door of a Gringa’s house at 8:30pm in the pitch dark while the Gringa and her 6 year old daughter are in bed reading together. Bang on the sliding glass doors below them with such force and haste that it reminds said Gringa of the recent police verified story in which a local dressed up as a police officer to break into a house, albeit 45 minutes away in a non-gated community. When said Gringa arrives at the back door, clearly not as quickly as you would have liked, appear relieved and then speak as quickly as possible through the glass door that the Gringa refuses to open. Be sure to use all words she understands until the important part. Then throw in a few words she doesn’t understand. You could say, “my golf cart is in the water,” but she would understand that. So instead, say something that means the same thing but uses more advanced words, such as pond, swamp, or mud, so that after explaining your situation three times the Gringa will finally say, “I have a safety-keeper who speaks Spanish.” Smile that she remembers this important fact, but look at her quizzically, as she sounds to both understand and speak Spanish pretty darn well so she probably really does understand you and she just doesn’t trust you. Don’t let her think she’s gotten away with fooling you. When you ask her where the cuidador lives, and she replies he lives in front of the house, smile with relief and then knock loudly on the downstairs bedroom sliding glass door while the Gringa wakes up the cuidador by yelling out the front door to the cuidador’s casita 10 feet away, “Don Chico, puede venir?” While the cuidador replies, “Señora?” half dazed because he can’t tell if the Gringa’s really calling him (last night he dreamed she called for him but she didn’t, and he searched the premises anyway), and the Gringa explains there is a man, a woman, and a child here that she doesn’t know and they are asking for help but she doesn’t understand the problem, stay on the back side of the house so no one can see you or your posse. Sure you came to the back door with your wife and small son, but a Gringa will know that was a disguise to get the her to open the door. So keep everything suspenseful and stay out of sight.
How to Raise the Eyebrows of a Gringa: Knock on the cuidador’s door in front of the Gringa’s house and tell him that you need help getting the golf cart you rented out of the mud leading to the pond.
How to Bypass a Gringa From Reporting You: Accept that you screwed up royally and did something extremely stupid. Leave the golf cart in the mud over night and return at dawn the next morning with friends to pull it out.